Rattlesnakes are cool.

Rattlesnakes are fucking cool.

Noxious Truths: A stream of consciousness bit

Life is a sticky mess. While some people seem to glide through, I feel as if I'm swimming against a current. Is my psyche not aerodynamic enough for these things? Well, a good film can really change that feeling. Of course, drugs and booze work just as well, but movies are a great alternative. I'm really fascinated by dark movies. But I don't know what fascinates me about it. I've always been interested by these sort of taboo concepts of depressing things and things that nobody ever wants to talk about or think about. But why do we act this way? Life is REAL. Real things HAPPEN. I just feel like so many people carry this instinctual aversion to sadness and bad things. But what is wrong with it? Sadness helps you relate to people. Sadness helps you realize that you're HUMAN. And it's not even like I'm always sad. Just more than normal, I guess. Well, not even sad. I feel like I just embrace a sort of cruel self-honesty that so many people choose to avoid. Some go pretty far out of their way to avoid it. There was this thing on NPR the other day about this woman, Jess Goodell, who was a marine in Iraq around 2004. After being in the corps for a while, she felt a pressure to go serve in the war. Since jobs there were mostly taken, she volunteered to serve in a unit which is new in the American military; a unit called the Mortuary Affairs unit. This is a unit that goes to sites of fatalities, and must recover and process the remains of dead American soldiers and Iraqis in order to have them returned to their families. This fascinated me immensely. Not in a sick sort of way. It was because it wasn't an ordinary "realities of war" subject. This was really, truly, Fucked Up. I just felt that hearing about it was like a taste of actual hell. The darkest thing you could ever experience vicariously. I'm drawn to this sort of thing. Some of the descriptions she gave nearly made me gag, and if you know me then you know I don't get queasy over many things. The way she said everything was incredible. She said everything with this aching tone, as if she was hesitant about every word she said. Like she had to force herself to put it into actual words. I got the feeling that every syllable she uttered made her want to just curl up in a ball and try to forget the things she'd seen. I know this all sounds sort of sadistic, but it's not. It was simply the most human thing I have ever really heard. This woman, and everyone in this unit, was literally walking on the edge of the things you can humanely ask someone do. The worst part was that she had no idea what she was getting into. She wasn't one of these biologist morticians who are intrigued by the surgical aspect of death and bodies or anything. She was a regular girl who wanted to serve in Iraq. Anyways, I was really touched by it. She wrote a book about it and I really want to read it. What made me feel really bad, though, was that as I was listening to her bear the darkest parts of one of the most traumatic experiences one could go through, I just kept thinking that so many people would probably just change the channel and be disgusted that someone would let her say this crap on the radio. Or something, maybe not quite as harsh. It's like her entire horrific, yet aw-inspiring experience is sort of nullified by the fact that it's hard to swallow. Because people are afraid! People are afraid to be Human. They are afraid to face realities that some humans face. Afraid to confront the realities of the world we live it. Like people who eat meat, but are disgusted by the brutal process of killing and butchering an animal. My aunt & uncle don't like watching intense movies because they like to be happy-go-lucky. Life is LIFE, people. It's not all good. It's not like everyone has to embrace the most terrible things they can find out there, but shying away from that stuff is no good, either. That's the thing I like about movies like Requiem for a Dream. I mean, I don't like really love watching Requiem for a Dream...it makes me want to die. But t forces you to THINK. Someone told me once that that movie was disgusting, and the just most depressing things ever put together and shoved in your face...and I said "Yeah, of course. That's the point!" If you never knew these things, you would just go on about your life living in a content and censored world of happy things that don't add up. I just don't want to live that way. I don't want that. And I guess I'm willing to not ever be fully accepted by society for it. Maybe people like me are one of these realities that nobody likes to face. Well...so be it then.

Jess Goodell's book, Shade it Black: Death and After in Iraq, named for the task of having to diagram the body outlines of the corpses, and in instances of there being an piece of the body which was missing and unable to be recovered, they were instructed to "shade it black."

Star Wars Character Breakdown

This is a somewhat edited version of the same thing I posted on Facebook awhile ago:

So, we're pretty fond of figuring out alter egos for ourselves here. That's why, during the home stretch of watching all 3 original trilogy movies, we decided a lot of our friends could totally replace many of the main characters of Star Wars. They are mostly from the originals but some from the new ones. If you don't get this then you don't know these people well enough!

Disclaimer: This was decided by a panel of experts, a.k.a. a room full of drunken nerdy kids.

Luke Skywalker: Apparently I am the one and only Luke Skywalker; the Last Samurai, if you will, of the Jedi order. He's a brooding warrior hero who flirts with the Dark Side, but ultimately chooses good out of loyalty to his friends. Oh, and he never actually lands the chick, unless you consider Harrison Ford a pretty good catch (which I most certainly do).

Princess Leia: The right-hand man of the rebellion, who is actually a woman! She's got spunk, she's beautiful, she's Nora Simmons. Aside from her awesome hair, and oh-so-steamy metal-alloy beach attire, she's a girl who comes from royal stock who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty in the best interest of what she believes in. She'll risk life and limb to save Han, who is an important ally to the rebellion...and also happens to be her main squeeze! Honestly, if R2D2 brought you a message pleading for help from this royalest of royal babes, would you be able to turn it down? Me either.

Han Solo: Also known as Bakari Roscoe, and he always shoots first. If you haven't seen this guy in a while, it's probably because he owes you money. He's a drifter, and he's been everywhere. If you want help, name your price. But he's not just a "stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder!" He's also Harrison Ford, and he's got the slickest ride in the universe if you're lookin to outrun Imperial Star-Destroyers. Plus, he's actually got a heart somewhere underneath his awesome space-cowboy getup. In the end, the mercenary pilot uses his flying prowess and not-so-shabby battle tactics to help take down the Empire...probably mostly to get out of paying taxes.

Chewbacca: Also known as Chewie, and we hear he just recently took on the alias of Peter Kazantsea;hgdfjaksvf (pronounced: Kazantsajkslthdjal). He's Han Solo's copilot and closest cohort. Chewie may be a big scruffy Aminal, but when it comes to spaceship mechanics and covering your ass in firefights with the Empire, this is one Wookie you can trust. He'll even climb into an AT-ST to kill the bad guys in it just because he'd rather take it for a test drive than blow it up. Nobody really understands what he's saying, but somehow he always gets his point across. He'll also give you a bear hug you'll never forget.

R2-D2: Proof that if robots do take over the world, we might just be better off. He's Ian Seim, and he's one tough cookie. He can perform just about any task you need, although he won't always be happy about it. But when it comes down to the wire, you can rely on him to have a trick up his...antenna. You can only understand him if you know what all his bleeps mean, which could take a bit of getting used to, but it won't matter cause it all sounds smart anyway. Probably the most useful and dangerous [thing?] to have with you at any given time. Also he's super short.

C-3PO: He's Joe Amodei. He's silly and has funny hand gestures and is randomly really intelligent about a bunch of different things. He often gets blown into pieces, and sometimes he doesn't get put back together the right way, be he always manages to end up with his head facing the right direction. Originally built by Anakin Skywalker before he was Darth Vader, this guy is a piece of work. He's fluent in over 6 million different languages, which is funny because Joe can barely speak 1!

Obi-Wan (Ben) Kinobi: Michael Buckley is wise beyond his years. He can teach you how to rock out with your light-saber out. He'll also die for you and yet keep giving you useful instructions from beyond the grave. If you're feeling like your life could use more Force in it, just go to him and he'll probably tell you some crazy story about your father being an evil space dictator and that you have to become a Jedi Knight and kill him to destroy the oppresive Empire he helped build, all while resisting the temptation of the Dark Side. A good person to run into if you're bored.

Yoda: Yoda is like the Jesus Christ of the Jedi religion. So, with that in mind, who better to be Yoda than Jesus! Probably the only difference between Sam Baskir and Yoda is that one of them is a puppet. Yoda is infinitely wise (probably the wisest man this side of the Degobah system), and a mischievious little 500-year-old Jedi Master/philosopher at that. He preaches peace at all costs, but could probably fuck you up if he needed to. Plus he talks funny! Whats not to love?

Darth Vader: Julia K. is going to take over the galaxy and/or universe and we all know it.

Lando Calrissian: At first glance, this is just Tyrus Grant Hainsworth. At second glance, this guy is a total traitor...but don't give up on him yet! He's out for himself and anyone he can help along the way. If he gets you in a jam, he'll help you get out of it. He'll also sell you a shitty looking but quite awesome vehicle. He may talk a lot of talk, but he always backs it up. You can find him in the utopia of Cloud City, otherwise known as Vancouver.

Ewoks: Janie Cole and Lela Dixon are totally Ewoks. They are just too cute! And they're feisty and resourceful enough to help a band of warriors battle off their oppressors with makeshift weapons (they had to make them because there is no war in Ewokville!). Plus, I can totally see them living in a treehouse utopia somewhere in the forest.

Princess Amidala: On the surface, Kate Finley is as sweet as pie, but don't start oppressing her people or she'll stage a fucking coup on your ass! She gave birth (chuckle) to the rebellion, well...a long time ago..in a galaxy far, far away..and it hasn't given up since! She'll even go undercover as Natalie Portman to make sure nobody finds out her secret ambitions. Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

Jar Jar Binks: Geier is Jar Jar binks. It's just hilariously true.

Well, that's it, but if you think any other friends of ours could be Star Wars characters, please let me know!

Relevant Information:

Han Shot First

In The Basement

Salvation as

I look through

This whole grand operation

Watch 'em walk, when wires melt

And stop Grand Central Station

The real reason why we're so few

While everyone's impatient

Could be fixed by simple coup

And processed elimination

When they all watch while stunned to stone

With utter, pure amazement

I look at them in ecstasy

For fooling half the nation

And even though I'm tired still

Of this complex arrangement

I worship what most would call naught

And celebrate in the basement.

Spring Strings

The winter greyth's blown over

The spring sun has shown through

The sky has turnt from grimy grey

To shiny, pastel blue

And as I see these things around me

And all I know is true

I still feel cold, wet, rained upon

And happy thoughts are few

Even though the flowers, trees

All are in full bloom

I still feel muddy, stagnant blues

As somber fades to gloom

Drowned Out

I am the shadow of contempt

that trails behind everyone you hate.

I am rejection.

I am the failed attempt.

I am the letter you don't want

to open.

I am the message you don't want

to hear.

I am the puddle you avoid,

The trash you step on,

The channel you change.

I am the face you slap,

The voice you drown out,

The request you ignore.

I am the emptiness inside of

Everyone.

Gone With the Wind

The feeling crept up like the stomach-churning symptoms of a to-do list of forgotten chores accumulating in your head exponentially by the second. Sure, I could have hung around for some breakfast and coffee, trading drunken memories (or the lack thereof) from the night before with everyone, and I liked everyone well enough, but something inside of me told me to go. In that moment I could see no reason for asking questions or attempting to rationalize. These people were not my friends. I didn’t belong there. I looked around and surveyed the damage of the night one last time before I was gone. Beer cans, plastic cups, various bongs and other miscellaneous smoking devices lay strewn across the living room. The tenant of the apartment, “Ethan”, stumbled towards me in nothing but his boxers.

“Here’s your keys, man,” he smiled, dangling my avenue out of there from his fingers.

I vaguely remembered giving them to him the night before, as a precaution to avoid driving.

“Thanks for looking out for them,” I smiled in return.

I went to the kitchen and grabbed my bottle of Canadian Club from the freezer. In a minute I would be on the high road, alone, with nobody to question but myself. I don’t know why I decided to run. The endless questions that normally enter a rational person’s head of “why?” and “where?” were miles away, surely to be encountered somewhere down the line, but not then, and not there.

The decision came on strong, like a good whisky buzz: instantaneous, though terminally impermanent. The feeling, however, was far from fleeting. It stuck with me, clinging to my nerves until it could be satisfied. I had no specific reasons motivating me to get lost, but choosing one wouldn’t have been hard. I’d been running from things my entire life. Work, commitment, responsibility, The Great Unknown. Whatever the excuse, I didn’t need it. I just needed to go. I put on my jacket, took my whisky, and without a word of goodbye or a single syllable of small talk, I was out the door. Gone with the wind. A man whose only mission or purpose was to acquire exactly that: Purpose.